The worst joke I’ve ever written

anonymous-deactivated:

A woman works an ordinary, Monday-to-Friday, 9AM-to-5PM job, and she has a very meticulous morning schedule to prepare for each day of work. She wakes up at 6:00 AM; takes a shower until 6:30 AM; cooks a breakfast of eggs, coffee, toast, and sliced fruit, finishing around 7:00 AM; gets dressed and packs her belongings for work, which takes until 7:30 AM; and watches the morning news until about 8:00 AM, at which point she leaves for work even though it only takes her half an hour to drive there (she likes to arrive early).

One Monday morning, the woman wakes up at 6:00 AM like usual, and heads into the shower. She gets out of the shower at around 6:30 AM, puts on her bathrobe and slippers, and goes into the kitchen to cook breakfast. She puts on the coffee maker, places the bread in the toaster, puts a pan with some cooking oil over the stove, and starts slicing apples and bananas.

Once the toast pops up at 6:40 AM, the woman places the toast and fruit on a plate and starts stirring the eggs in the frying pan. As the coffee maker finishes up at 6:45 AM, she is just about done cooking the eggs, and places them on a plate with the toast and fruit. She pours herself a cup of coffee, sits at the table with her food and starts eating. She finishes up at about 7:00 AM.

The woman goes into her room, gets dressed in her work clothes, puts on makeup, and packs all of her belongings for work: her laptop, her paperwork, her notepad, and her external hard drive. By the time she is fully dressed and ready to go, it is 7:20 AM; pleased with herself for getting ready so early, the woman walks out to the living room, sits on the couch, and puts on the morning news.

As 7:50 AM, the woman feels she has taken in enough news for the morning, and decides to leave work early, even though she already leaves early to begin with. However, as she is about to head out the door, she feels the sudden urge to use the bathroom. As a woman who values her privacy, she decides not to wait until she gets to work, and heads into her bathroom.

She sits down on the toilet and prepares to go, but as she sits there, nothing seems to happen. The urge she felt so suddenly is still there, but nothing seems to want to come out. She pushes and squeezes her muscles, but to no avail. After a while she’s unsure of how much time has passed sitting on the toilet, so she looks at her watch and sees that it’s 8:00 AM. She wasn’t expecting to spend ten minutes on the toilet, but since she had such an early start, she figures it doesn’t really matter if she wastes a little bit of time.

She gets up and walks around the bathroom, hoping that the motion will convince her bodily organs to pursue their natural function. It doesn’t work. She tries stretching, and sitting in different positions, bending over further, but it doesn’t work. She looks at her watch, and sees that it’s already 8:15 AM. She still won’t be late for work, but she’s annoyed that her normally-compliant bodily functions would betray her morning routine like this.

In desperation, she clenches and squeezes and flexes every muscle she can think of. Still nothing comes out. After an ungodly amount of time she looks at her watch, and to her dismay, sees that it’s already 8:25 AM. She’s spent over a half an hour on the bathroom, waiting in vain for nothing.

Frustrated, she stands up, pulls up her pants, buckles her belt, and walks out of the bathroom, muttering, “I don’t have time for this shit.”